Last year, I argued that BMW’s seat-heater subscriptions indicated the automaker had learned the wrong lessons from mobile. Now, the upcoming Mercedes-Benz E-Class adds TikTok creation capabilities, making it impossible to escape the notion that cars have become giant phones — albeit marginally less pocketable than the Samsung Galaxy S23 Ultra.
The MBUX system of the E-Class has a huge “superscreen” screen. This extends to the dashboard – and is supposed to focus on the “BUX” part. Want more useless apps for your car? Click here to empty your wallet!
So baby, you can Sleeps TikTok while driving
The Super Screen is actually several separate screens designed to look like one unit. The passenger can devour their own items, independently of the driver’s display. This easily eliminates the need for anyone in the vehicle to communicate. The driver’s view of passenger content is intentionally limited, so he doesn’t get distracted by the latest TikToks.
However, they can then park the car and launch a TikTok on their own screen, starting a TikTok war. Each person will feel compelled to record and upload one another’s increasingly bitter TikTok responses, rather than actually speaking to them. Mercedes-Benz and TikTok do not disclose whether you will be able to use the car for this.
But Merc, horrifyingly, offers the driver an optional selfie camera. So when your E-Class is parked, you can have a Zoom or WebEx meeting—most of which will involve yelling at the passenger to “turn TikTok down, please.” Then you can “relax” with a game Angry birds. (Unfortunately, there’s no word on whether you can signal pesky birds to traffic via AR. Maybe in 2024.)
Lord, won’t you buy me a Mercedes-Benz (with my friends’ TikTok)?
So we went from “don’t text and drive” to “have a conference call in your car.” The conclusion is once governments relax the pesky regulations around automated driving, even the driver will be able to do all this while on the go.
But what is the point? Why would Mercedes install all of these features directly into its cars, and embark on a one-way trip to make you spend hours inside a giant phone? Mostly because of money and control. Cars once had beautiful technology. Sat-nav! floppy disk drives! But the advent of smartphones meant that mobile devices died out. Cars got frustrating, as it took almost six days for the most expensive model to communicate with the blower via Bluetooth.
CarPlay and Android Auto fix that for the consumer, by making car software an extension of your phone. That’s fine for you, but not for car owners who watch phone guys eye the car market. Here it is: blocking. The people in the car now want to control everything, and they’re layering on unnecessary and expensive new technology—yet everyone will claim to own it. Because if there’s one universal constant behind death and taxis, it’s that humans love shiny things.
It’s the only way to live: in cars
We’re seconds away from live-streaming your ride on Twitch, a score that updates on the windshield whenever you pass a ‘competitor’ while making a rude gesture, like sad middle age Drift force He refuses. Or, even worse, a world where cars drive themselves while shooting the TikToks of their many fans online.
It is as if the world is destined to turn into a horrific, resource-hungry, narcissism-fuelled game The Jetsons, where each company carves out their own space to bleed you for every dollar they can. One might argue that there are better, greener alternatives to human life, and point out when someone said “It’s like you want to live inside your phone,” that was a warning, not a recommendation.
So be careful when the oncoming vehicle integrates more human amenities, such as refrigerator, toilet, and shower. One day, you’ll wake up and try to open the door to leave your 2033 luxury vehicle. He’ll say “I’m sorry, Dave.” “I’m afraid I can’t do that — unless I log four hours of TikTok and resubscribe from the $999.99 front-door drive-through.”
However, this might just be the next viral hit: TikToks of people locked inside their cars, shouting “let me out.” Me, I’d take a huge step back — especially if Mercedes buys a load of TikTok stock.
• Related: BMW Seat Heating Subscriptions Are An Annoying Deal For Car Owners
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