No, Elon Musk isn’t making the MuskPhone — but here’s what would happen if he did

Tesla phone. musk iphone. Call it what you will, but this fully virtual machine has got Musk fans hooked frothy On this week’s bird site. Unfortunately for them, that won’t happen.

All of this came via Musk’s “declaration of war” on Apple, like a little kid “declaring war” on his games when things don’t go his way, before slamming them against a wall. The barrage of tweets began on November 28th with Musk publicly berating Apple for stopping advertising mostly on Twitter and asking: “Do they hate freedom of speech in America?(Because, as we all know, freedom of speech in the US forces companies to advertise on a specific social media platform. It’s in the Constitution — look it up!)

If that wasn’t embarrassment enough, Musk claimed Apple threatened to block Twitter from its App Store, but did not say why. Then musk Fake surprise in the Apple App Store by 30% reduced and then said “If there is no other choice, I will make a replacement phoneCue: fanboy frothing, dodgy tech industry headlines about how Musk made the phone, and moments on the head desk for anyone with a crumb of integrity. (Apple hasn’t commented — the entire PR team is presumably amazed by Musk’s words.)

Then everything changed: Tim Cook took Musk for a spin around Apple HQ And the conflict ended. bubble! This was not an Anglo-Zanzibar war, but even I was surprised at the brevity. After all, Twitter’s new boss had fun bashing Musky’s army, who promised an individual to throw their iPhones into the sea and buy the phone that Musk would pull right out of his brain — while plotting to implant the technology directly into their device.

Someone put a piece of paper marked RUBBISH in a box that said BRAIN
An artist’s impression of Musk’s brain implants. Probably. (photo: plate production)

Which got me thinking. If Tim Cook Musk hadn’t calmed down, what would Musk’s phone look like? Even if you have billions in the bank, you can’t charm technology out of thin air. And no ecosystem. Slapping a Tesla sticker on your existing Android blower won’t do much if the phone isn’t able to access Google Play Services and the Google Play Store. (Yes, there are Android forks out there that can fiddle with this. But if one of the major players tried, Google’s lawyers would respond with knives. Or at least sharp and pointed lawsuits).

Musk probably wouldn’t care, and he literally converted many of his remaining Twitter employees to make the blessed X app. So instead of a home screen or the App Store, MuskPhone can be launched with one option: MuskMe. With one click, you are catapulted into a walled garden of musk, from which there is no escape. For which you will pay $8 per month with no apparent interest.

When using the phone, you’ll immediately realize that its accelerometer tilts inexplicably to the right at every opportunity, even though it’s perfectly balanced. App X’s news feed will include the names of individuals who are named and shamed for abandoning MuskMe or MuskPhone itself, underlining that they are enemies of free speech in America.

There will be bold daily prompts about future features that will be deleted abruptly and quietly, making you question your sanity. And important components will randomly stop working — but then the battery will mysteriously lose a third of its run time if you take your MuskPhone to a Musk Store for service.

Still, it could be worse. At least it won’t be a peek on Twitter.

Related: What is a mastodon? Everything you need to know to switch from Twitter